Sober January is a disaster.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
