pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
