so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
