My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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