My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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