Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
