Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
