Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
