Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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