I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
zippers are such a cool invention
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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