My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
