is your mom at the bar?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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