He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
