Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
