it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
She announced her abortion via fbk
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He keeps bees of course he's weird
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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