I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
