Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
