I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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