I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
