Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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