Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
