so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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