I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
