I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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