I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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