i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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