Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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