I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
