remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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