It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
