My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
God, I missed his penis.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
