it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
