and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
