Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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