so explain again why im purple
no
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
