I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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