I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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