dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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