When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dear god my vagina.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
