bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
