i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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