I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
