Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
