I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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