wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I pour the whiskey from now on
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
