I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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