Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
