Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
