I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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