Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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