We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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