I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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